Thursday, March 27, 2014

My prayer 6/20/2013

God, help me. I am weak and I  need your strength. My goals are: Revival, Faithfulness, Meekness, and Brokenness. Lord, I need a renewed and right spirit. Amen. 

What Christian doesn’t want revival? Notice the last word in my prayer…brokenness. God answered. He broke me.

These were my prayers. The good. The bad. The ugly.

My prayer 8/8/2013

God, Burden the hearts of our church for children. I pray every spot will be filled. Unify the leaders. Let us remember it’s all for you.

I praise you for all the kids you have brought to our Christian school. Unify our teaching staff. I pray if someone is not supposed to be in this ministry, Lord, that you will lead them out. Amen.

Little did I know it would be my first husband that God would remove from the teaching staff and later me after 18 long years of pouring my heart, soul, time, and prayers into serving this Christian school within my church. My ministry. 

In August, I was hit with betrayal in my marriage. My heart was broken. My spirit crushed. I was ready to run. Somewhere far away. Where could I run? 

September. October. November. Still broken. No more writing prayers. No more words. Just tears. 

During this time, I continued my devotions without prayer entries. I cried countless tears asking God why.

I was in a very dark place. A pit. All I could hear was hate the sin, love the sinner.

In September, we left our church home. I dreaded this decision, but knew it was a necessity in order not to be reminded of the sin that had crippled my marriage.

In October, my dad painted a pretty picture of escape. He told us to move to his hometown. We could get a fresh start. This sounded so good. Run. I could run.

Still so very vulnerable. I began to dream. I shared my dreams. Something I would regret later. Joseph’s dreams got him thrown into a pit by his brothers. 

In November, healing began. I was gripping the edge of the pit. I could breathe again. No running was necessary. Hope. I could do this. I could stay. God wanted me there.

December came. Entries began. 

My prayer 12/17/2013

Lord, I’m broken. I need your healing touch. I don’t understand why. But, I know I love you and all things will work out for your good.

Show me where you want me. Show us what church you would have us serve. God, I want to be in your will, but I don’t know what that is. Give me wisdom and peace.

Heal my marriage. I don’t want to be married anymore. I just want to walk away. God, I need your help. Give me patience and love for those in need and hurting. Amen.

I began to prepare for our annual spirit week at the Christian school. A week of sharing my heart with the students and staff. A time of revival. Theme. God gave me Joseph the Dreamer. 

What a week! Peace. Joy. Purpose. Hope. Love. Healing.

My prayer 1/3/2014

Lord, I want to be more like you! I want to have your love, compassion, forgiveness, humbleness…make me more like you.

Give me a dream. Show me what you have for me these next ten years. Use me to further your Gospel.

Be with the academy staff as we finish this second half of the school year. Be with us teachers. Give us wisdom, patience, and the love that we need. Help us to be in one accord. Bless spirit week and give us a school revival. 

Your will not mine! Amen.

Satan couldn’t allow this. He didn’t. I felt betrayed again. This time within my ministry. 

My prayer 1/22/2014

Lord, I can’t even express the pain I am feeling at this moment. I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. My marriage, my ministries, my church. I feel like Job.

I’m barely hanging on. I need your strength. When I seem to let go and move forward; I get clobbered and thrown even further back.

I want to move forward and forgive, but I’m struggling with letting go. Help me to let go and cling to you. Help me to completely love and forgive my husband as you would. I do want a healed marriage. I want you to be able to use us up for your honor and glory.

Get me through the rest of this year. Heal my broken heart. Place me in your perfect will these next ten years.

Your will not mine! Amen.

In the fall, I shared some of my dreams. The possibility of moving out of desperation. I was open. Honest. It only back fired. 

In January deception and lies came, I was offered a teaching position; but not a administrator position. My job was given to someone else. I was done wrong by someone who claimed to be my brother in Christ.

What do I do now? I didn’t want to move anymore.

Once again. Broken. Crushed. This time I didn’t stop writing. I held on. As tight as I could.

2/1/2014: Lord, thank you for loving me and my imperfections…

2/2/2014: Lord, I don’t want to be an angry Christian…

2/3/2014: Lord, let me be content with what you have given me…

2/4/2014: Lord, help us to continue to be faithful…

2/5/2014: Lord, please help me maintain a sweet spirit…

2/6/2014: Lord, thank you for the snow showers…

2/7/2014: Lord, you are so good to me! I’m waiting on you…

2/8/2014: O Lord, I’m so petty. My trials could be so much worse…

2/9/2014: Lord, help me to meditate on your word while waiting on you….

In February, I became so bitter. I didn’t want to let go of the ministry I had loved so much. Push. Push. Push. Satan was pushing me out the door with all his power.

My prayer 2/13/2014

Lord, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Love day. I’m so thankful that I have your great love. I don’t want a bitter heart. Right now I have one. Give me a heart of love and compassion.

Help me to let go of the past. Set my eyes on the future. Help me to fully forgive my husband. Help me give 100% to our relationship.

I don’t know what the future holds, but you do. Help me to be patient while I wait for your promises.

Provide our needs. The job you would have for us the next 10 years. Use us for your honor and your glory.  Put a hedge of protection and thorns around our family.

Your will not mine! Amen.

February 14, 2014. Valentine’s Day. I made the hardest decision I thought I’d ever make. I walked away. My first love. My ministry. Since fall 1996. Right out of high school. I cried. I mourned. Pain. So much pain.

March was ending. God heard me. He answered me again. He carried me. He strengthened me.  He prepared a purpose for me. I held on. I believed.

My prayer 3/13/2014

Lord, I have been carrying a heavy burden for way too long. I’ve had a lot lifted off. I don’t know what your complete will is, but I will continue to seek it.

Show me your will for my life. Your will not mine! Amen.

Joseph the Dreamer. An overcomer. I also wanted to be an overcomer. To forgive again. To dream again. To love again. 

As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good.

Genesis 50:20

P.S. I was in bondage to self and religion. God’s will was not my will. I wanted to stay. God wanted me to leave. I wanted to hold on. God wanted me to let to. This is the pattern I’ve been in. It’s taken pain. Lots of pain in order for God to deliver me into my purpose.

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