I found God whispering in the quietness of my broken heart…It’s time to finally let go of everything. This is no longer your fight to fight. Surrender and let my voice lead you to freedom.
God, where are you? Those were the words my heart cried out every night during the fall of 2013. I had just found out that my ex husband had betrayed me for the second time. I was angry…angry at my husband, angry at God, but mainly angry at myself for believing the first lie I was ever told.
You’re not beautiful. This was the voice of the enemy, and this lie still lies dormant in my soul today.
The lie began in first grade. I was only six years old. I was picked on everyday by the same girl because of the shoes I wore. She said they were boy shoes. I hated them. That is when the tiny seed was planted.
The same girl continued to put me down all throughout elementary school by making fun of my haircuts, crooked teeth, and the hand me downs that I wore. I felt like the ugly duckling. I struggled academically, so now I was ugly and dumb. The lie took root deep in my heart.
Middle school was a blur that flew by quickly as I did my best to blend in. I began reading Seventeen magazines. I was convinced then I would never be enough. Those girls were beautiful. Who would ever choose me? The lie continued to blossom.
In high school, I let my hair grow out, I got braces, and I no longer wore my sister’s hand me downs; but I still didn’t feel beautiful. Boys didn’t look my way, and if they did I was pretty sure they were just making fun of me. They couldn’t possibly believe I was beautiful.
Right out of high school, so desperate to believe I was beautiful, I lost my virginity to the first guy that came along and paid attention to me. All because I wanted to believe I was enough. That I was beautiful. That someone could choose me…but he didn’t choose me. He took a piece of me and left.
Why? I wasn’t beautiful enough. At least that’s what I believed, so I began to highlight my hair, tan, and spend all my money on new, fashionable clothes. I was desperately seeking outward beauty. I was going to prove to the world that I was beautiful. There would be a man out there somewhere that would choose me – and he did.
He proposed to me when I was 23 years old, and I accepted without even asking God’s say on the matter. Our marriage was a struggle from day one. We only dated for a few weeks before he proposed, and we were married just a few months later. I was completely in love with the idea that someone finally chose me. ME! I felt beautiful. This is what I had wanted…right?
Not two months into our marriage I found myself pregnant, sitting in my pastor’s living room crying, feeling scared because I didn’t know the man I had married. He had a temper. He was extremely jealous. I no longer felt beautiful. I felt scared. Trapped. My pastor told me I didn’t have to stay, but I stayed. We were having a child.
It was seven years into our marriage when my husband confessed being unfaithful. We had just had our second child. I was devastated. The enemy reminded me I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t beautiful, and no one else would ever want me…so I stayed and for all the wrong reasons.
I knew people knew, but I went on with life pretending like nothing happened. I was determined to prove the enemy wrong all on my own. That’s when the enemy put me in the box of shame. I stayed there for five years until betrayal entered my marriage for the second time…and that’s when I finally began to seek God wholeheartedly.
My prayer I wrote on March 16, 2014:
Lord, I so want your will to be done in my life! Show me the things you have for me in your future. Your will not mine. Amen.
I stayed once again, but this time I stepped out of the box of shame. I no longer wanted my future, but I wanted the future God had planned specifically for me. My future would be seeking God in His Word and in prayer. I would seek until I found Him.
Summer 2014, God told me to move from the city to our family farm in the country. We did. It was in the country I found God. I found Him in my writings, my chickens, my garden, my children, my ministries…but I mainly found Him in my brokenness.
God is an on time God. He swung the doors wide open. He told my neighbor to go across the street and you will find the girl I chose to help you do my work. Together you will co-found Hill of Zion. You will love and provide for the widows, orphans, poor, and those held captive on the land I’m providing.
So when God told me to give everything away, purchase an RV trailer, and move across the street…I didn’t hesitate. It was easy. I could hear His voice clearly. I uprooted my family once again, and we moved across the street. Most would say I had surrendered everything to God, but I hadn’t. I was still holding onto my worth.
It was when we moved across the street the true battle began. Jealousy set in. My ex husband was miserable. I still couldn’t do anything right. I was doing everything I could in my own power, but nothing was working. Things were getting uglier and uglier with each passing day. All I could pray was, “God, set me free.”
The enemy was holding me captive, and I didn’t even realize it. The weekend of my women’s retreat I had no shame. I told the ladies it was hard for me to stand before them. I was weak. I was struggling. I felt trapped. I knew my lesson was for me. God was calling me to surrender.
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14
After the women’s retreat, my ex husband surrendered and told me the truth. He confessed to me the sins he had hidden during our entire marriage…but for the first time I didn’t stay. God told me it was time to let go. I didn’t have to hold on anymore. It wasn’t easy…but, I surrendered and placed my worth at the feet of Jesus.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous–how well I know it. Psalm 139:13-14
I found God whispering in the quietness of my broken heart…I chose you in your mother’s womb.I chose you in your mother’s womb. Jeremiah 1:5 Click To Tweet