It was in the darkest season of my life that God gave me hope for a future…He gave me a dream. This dream is where life began for me.
My chicks. This is how God first began speaking to me. Showing His love for me through this small creation of His. I’d never had chicks before and it was such a miraculous thing to raise them and watch them grow into chickens.
My garden…oh, how I loved my first garden. As a former city girl, I had no clue what I was doing, but it was there in my garden I would meet with God. It was there with a tear stained face I could hear His whisper so softly…this is where life begins.
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what that meant….but day after day I’d keep going back. I’d work. I’d wait. I’d cry. I’d scream. I’d be still. I’d listen. I’d believe…this is where life begins.
Day after day, I’d wake up, be a mama, be a wife, work in my garden, tend to my chickens, do my day to day task while seeking and asking…where does life begin?!?
Finally!!!! He answered in the middle of the night. He woke me up. His voice was no longer a whisper. It was loud. It was clear.
Life begins when you seek Me. When you seek Me, you find Me.
That night God showed me my future. A future that He had prepared just for me. He called me by name.
That night when God told me I’d be ministering to women…I didn’t really know how. I know He showed me women coming from near and far to a retreat center. He showed me women being rescued, restored, and released as a redeemed army of light.
Over time, God would give me bits and pieces…like He showed me a barn with a little cafe in the corner. So much life in it. I was living a simple life selling farm fresh eggs and farm grown meats.
However, He also showed me with a boldness… a fire. Speaking with authority and power. I marveled as I watched the shackles fall to the ground. Women were rising from the ashes.
He showed me a small town experiencing revival….so much so they had to build a new life center.
He’d tell me to do things and I’d do it. He’d tell me to tell folks and I’d tell it. Some believed right away they had seen it, too.
Some were skeptical.
I believed it. I needed this hope. I longed for a dream.
I felt alive for the first time in a really long time. Life really was beginning.
I’d hosted my first women’s retreat. God met us under those oak trees. Women were revived. Ready for more…I was ready!
Well…I thought I was ready. That next year would be one of my hardest seasons. I suffered with depression. No one knew it but God.
Did you know some of the happiest people are depressed people?!?
Yep, we’re good at fooling ourselves and others.
It was in those dark places…when no one was around…I’d allow myself to release the sadness and pain that was buried inside me.
While my daughter napped, I’d curl up in a ball and cry. Going through the motions day after day. Needing to be set free.
Spring came and I hosted a family retreat, yet I was ready for life to come to an end. I kneeled at a pile of ashes begging God just to take me home.
At that time I didn’t recognize the emotional abuse I so naturally accepted without question.
Two things happened on our family vacation.
1.) God told me to start a magazine.
2.) I knew after that week I could no longer carry the burden that I was carrying.
I came home and found myself kneeling in my shower wrestling with God once again. Alone. Wailing. Begging Him to end it once and for all.
God didn’t take me home. He didn’t let me end my life. Instead, He gave me hope and put an end to the burden I had been carrying on my own for so long.
The thing is….I was choosing to hang on. God was clearly telling me to let go, but I was hanging on so tight. Wanting my way instead of God’s way. And we know God’s ways are not our ways.
2017 would be the quietest year of my life. A year that I had to learn to listen to God and not man. This was so hard for me. I wanted to defend myself. My decision.
God simply said…no.
So here I am. Another season. I’m healing. I’m kneeling. I’m believing. I’m seeking. I’m not always happy, but I can feel again. I’m ready to experience God. I’m ready to rise from the ashes and be a Woman of Light!
I want more! I want freedom-REVIVAL!
My DREAM…I just want so badly for women to see how big our God is…to experience Him in a way we never imagined possible.
To know there is freedom after affairs, death, divorce, addiction, and abuse.
And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.